I miss the opportunity to scratch my genitals. I never took the opportunity, but it was somewhat comforting to know that if I ever did feel so inclined - in a meeting, or over coffee - it was perfectly normal behaviour.
I miss swearing. The rhythm it brings to your speech. The simple pleasure of a good, well-chosen invective. The loss of the most appropriate vocabulary to describe a particular person/situation.
I miss being able to call someone a useless fuckwit. In fact, the next useless fuckwit who says "mmm good challenge" when I point out - in the mealy-mouthed BigCo vocabulary - that they are useless, and a fuckwit; may find themselves stabbed.
I miss being nasty about other departments. When Sales didn't make their targets last quarter it was quite evidently because "they are weak". The solution is obvious - "a bit less carrot, and a bit more stick".
I like to keep up to date with the goings on at FUKD plc. Mainly for the amusement value - BigCo just does not compare.
I was however, distressed to learn that fortune has smiled on Mr Motivator. He has managed to weasel his way into the affections of FUKD plc's luscious Office Manager. This is depressing news. In my imagination I see him alone and friendless in his cold empty rooms, with only his psychosis to keep him company. Not enjoying a very cool, and very leggy brunette (who, it has to be said, spurned my advances on a number of occasions.....)
I enjoyed reading Belle de Jour when I was at FUKD plc. I felt we were kindred spirits since; I too was (metaphorically at least) taking it in the ass for money. fficeffice" />
It has been amusing to read the furore amongst the chattering classes since she stuck her head above the parapet– ‘who is she’, ‘is she real’.
Some journalist was (incorrectly) outed by a ‘Textual Analyst’, and accused of being Belle. Since textual analysis seems to consist of googling someone, and then trawling through the results, it’s understandable how mistakes can be made.– nice work if you can get it.
Cynthia Payne has denounced her as a fake in the Guardian. While the Telegraph looks set to give her a column
Personally, I think she’s a little too good to be true. I somehow doubt she’s discussing “Pablo Neruda …..as a preface to a lap-dance” with the average strip-club clientele. I think our own Coconut Lipgloss probably captures the mundanity of the sex industry more accurately.
Never the less, I wish her well with the book deal.
My probationary period is over. Which means I no longer have to be nice to people. fficeffice" />
Last week I was doing a presentation to The Kids in another department. Basically just spelling out the breaks in the value chain. I flipped onto a slide outlining a particularly impressive bit of fuck-wittage and was about to say “and here’s where we pretty much tell the customer to piss off”; but I thought no, best moderate the tone, so I said “here’s where we pretty much tell the customer to sod off” – cue gasps and guilty giggles from the assembled party
I celebrated my new freedom by calling Legal a bunch of bedwetting bureaucrats, for requiring me to sign-off on the infinitesimal commercial risk of a project. Thereby absolving them of either a) making a decision, or b) delivering a solution.
In my desperate efforts to leave FUKD plc I signed up with some pimps (or Recruitment Consultants as I believe they like to call themselves). They were generally useless and would invariably offer me positions on half my salary in market sectors I’d expressly said I was not interested in. fficeffice" />
When I finally did escape, one of the largest companies sent me a questionnaire. I filled it in honestly, and basically said they were a bunch of useless shysters who I wouldn't recommend to my worst enemy (or Mr Motivator). I sent it off, felt better, and didn't give it any more thought.
Today I got a groveling phone call from one of their Sales Directors assuring me that my feedback would be taken on board, and that if I ever needed them in the future as client or candidate I should deal directly with him.
Surely nothing to do with the fact that is now says BigCo on my business card?
ffice" />