Last week was not in the least bit pleasant. Since I spent most of it wracked with terrible food poisoning. The result of going for a meal with my old boss from FUKD plc. His conversation alone was emetic enough, without the addition of bad seafood, as he told me how well he and Mr Motivator were getting on at the moment. This was a far cry from the contract-killing proposal we’d mooted a few months ago.
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So as a result of this, on Monday night, instead of dying quietly in bed, I was flying to Glasgow –with more drugs stuffed inside me than the average Jamaican mule (for which I had to visit three separate chemists to obtain! As I pointed out to the sallow shop-girl, its come to a sorry state of affairs when I can more easily buy crack cocaine than over medicate myself with over-the-counter pharmaceuticals).
Tuesday’s meeting was somewhat of a blur of the customary coma inducing boredom, interspaced with waves of nausea.
They wouldn’t even let me die in peace; they kept drawing me in to the debates – “what’s your thoughts on this Dave?”. It’s times like this where honesty is not the best policy – “look, I’m trying to cope with Pepto-Bismol induced psychosis, do you want me to stab you to death with the complimentary hotel pen? Do you!?!?” – and go instead for a little bullshit “right-size the success threshold…….descope extraneous process flows….narrow in on the big wins……” Generally talk for a sufficient length of time so that people have forgotten the original question, and therefore can’t disagree as to whether you’ve answered it or not.
Eventually they left me alone to stare out of the window. But even that offered little solace as we’re directly opposite the considerably better hotel I used to stay at with FUKD plc. Oh for my old corner suite and a comely chambermaid to mop my brow.
It’s a truism with FUKD plc and other companies in the same market sector – whilst the wages of sin are quite possible death, it does come with a very agreeable expense account.
After achieving nothing in Glasgow it’s just another short flight to Belfast for the next session (a flight made somewhat more bearable by the commendably laissez-faire attitudes of the Sauchiehall St pharmacists). The hotel too is a great improvement. The Belfast Europa has always managed to maintain a pleasingly contemporary décor in sharp contrast to the faded chic of comparable hotels. Although, to be fair to other chains, this is, in no small part, due to its distinction as being the most bombed hotel in Europe.
By Wednesday morning things are improving slightly, as the infection moves down my digestive tract (never has chronic diarrhoea been so welcome); and I am able to make a small contribution to the meeting (whilst maintaining a vice-like grip on my sphincter). Unfortunately this contribution includes volunteering for an action point! My illness is obviously more serious than I thought, I’m becoming delirious.
Now obviously there have been times during my career, and I’m not too proud to admit this, where I have received action points. But to volunteer for one…….
No matter how small, no matter how trivial it sounds, it’s always better to just say no. You don’t have to be rude, just a firm decline - “I’m sorry, I appreciate this may put you in a difficult position, and whilst I’m always the first to support a colleague, I’m afraid my current workload would make it impossible for me to step in as relief masseuse for the Australian woman’s beach volleyball team, on their tour of the Caribbean.”
