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In keeping with the Big brother theme, I've been accused of thought crime.
Silly me, what was I doing spending the last couple of weeks wrestling with the projections and pouring over the spreadsheets, when all it really required was for Mr Motivator (my boss) to just pluck the first number that came out of his head. Hell we're only talking a few millions here, we wouldn't want to over analyse things now would we..............
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4.10.03 01:04
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so I blew off the interview I had arranged. They were a little too honest in the briefing materials they sent through, and reading between the lines you could tell everything wasn't exactly peachy. That and the fact that we turn over more in a week than they do in a year.
They were pretty disappointed when I phoned, and I found myself actually saying "it isn't you, it's me..........................."
Maybe there's some scope here - a Dateline for job seekers. Or speed interviewing - 20 employers, you get 5 minutes with each, and then exchange phone numbers at the end of the evening.
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7.10.03 00:13
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It seems that Clintons (purveyors of 'Get Well Soon' cards to pikey wife beaters everywhere) have decided that October 16th is Boss's Day. I'm not quite sure what particular message would really convey the depth of my feelings for Mr Motivator, but it might be along the 'say it with botulism' theme.
We're actually thinking of having a whip round and getting him a penis extension. I've found a clinic in Honduras which can do it quite reasonably. Just imagine, a few weeks from now, once the bandages come off, he'll skip into the office, sunny of disposition. Prepared to listen; ready to respect and lead the troops. Stripped of his tiresome machismo and his predatory nature with the office girls (like a dog chasing cars I'm not quite he knows what to do if he does corner one).
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11.10.03 16:43
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The madness of Mr Motivator pt 26
Stalking though the office one fine Thursday, he spies a potential victim. Hauling him up in front of the department he berates the hapless youth for his hairstyle.
He's barely back to his lair before the lackeys make the proclamation - any male member of staff coming into the office with hair below his collar will be sacked.
I fear it's only a matter of time before he starts renaming the months and installing his tortoise as Company Secretary.
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13.10.03 00:14
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7 habits of highly effective pyschopaths
Sedition is of course the greatest fear for any despot. Mr Motivator has a nose for dissent, and is ready to pounce on the smallest infraction.
It's a double bonus when he gets to bawl out some hapless juniors, safe in the knowledge they are never going to tell him to go fuck himself.
Our unlucky trio had been overheard moaning about salary differentials. A perfect opportunity for him to take a moment out of his day to rally the troops:
"I don't give a shit how motivated you are, you'll do as I say"
On a roll, he grabs the next victim, responsible for a minor processing error:
"you're fucking useless, I don't know why the fuck we pay you"
Suitably stiffened, off he struts. I fear Mrs Motivator will be getting unlucky tonight.
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16.10.03 20:26
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Interview #3
Another big household name. Whose terrible half year results, and the pathetic spin they'd put on them, I'd recently been laughing at with the guys in the office. So obviously they should call up and invite me to an interview.
Bit of a change from the routine, I getting to do a presentation - the premise is, and I'm paraphrasing slightly here: 'Division X is totally fucked, what would you do to turn it round'; 60 minutes prep, 20 minutes presentation; 30 minutes of questions.
These are somewhat irritating because it's basically an hours free consultancy work for them. But I throw them a few pointers. It's all very formulaic stuff, but it seems to push the right buttons.
"well, thanks Dave, you really raised some interesting issues there"
Guys, this is what I do for a living...............
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16.10.03 20:42
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It'll be all over by Xmas
It seems Q4 might be shaping up to be a little sticky.
A memo's just gone round - All Head Office staff with experience should prepare themselves for mobilisation at a moments notice, for return to the Stores. They'll be dusting off their uniforms; kissing goodbye to their sweethearts and heading off to the front.
- The Dad's Army/Siege of Stalingrad metaphors are all there, as the grizzled veterans strap on those rusty price guns.
What the company seems to have forgotten is the reason these people are in Head Office is because they made such a spectacular cock up out in the stores in the first place....
I think a fair few of them will be planning to go AWOL. A few years in Head Office has made them a little soft.
Mr Motivator's casual sadism would be considered namby pamby featherbedding out in the regions.
In the North East, the worst performing manager spent the last meeting, standing in a corner; facing the wall; with a dunces hat on; chanting "I'm a fuck-wit".
London prefer a more interactive approach to teambuilding - the worst performing manager sits in the middle of a circle whilst the others shout "you're a useless twat" at him.
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16.10.03 20:47
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